Klingons Would Make Terrible Screenwriters

June 20, 2007

In Dramatica, the concept of the Main Character Approach splits main characters into two groups - those who prefer to do first and those who prefer to be first. Just because a main character is inclined to take one approach over the other does not mean that is all they do. It merely points out what their nature would compel them to do right off the bat.

Of course, if you’re Klingon, none of the above applies.

Do or Do Not, There Is No Be

One of the fundamentals of Klingon language is the concept that there is no verb “to be.” No is, est, ist, etre, esta, etc. In Klingon, nothing is; everything does.

If you’re a fan of Star Trek, or even if you’ve happened to catch one of the movies, you’ve probably noticed that these guys are very externally oriented. No matter what situation or what potentially hostile alien entity they run into, they’re always the ones to suggest “shoot first and ask questions later.”

there are several words meaning “to fight” or “to clash against”, each having a different degree of intensity. There is a plethora of words relating to warfare and weaponry and also a great variety of curses (cursing is considered a fine art in Klingon culture).

Don’t be a Klingon when it comes to writing movies

While you could see Klingons struggling to come up with new ideas or envisioning some new plan that could help them, changing their nature or pretending to be something they are not seems impossibly foreign to their natures. This isn’t to say that you couldn’t write a Be-er Klingon into a story – in fact, it might actually be interesting to see. But when you’re raised in a world that says “The window smashed Worf” instead of “Worf smashed the window,” chances are you’re going to prefer to solve things externally. ((Turns out Klingon grammar calls for the use of the rare Object-Verb-Subject sequence. Instead of the typical English usage that places the subject at the beginning of a sentence, OVS places it at the end. This subjugates the personal “Be-ing” part of a sentence (or noun) to the more important “action-oriented” verb. If you’re culture deplores Be-ers why not put the most personal part of language at the end - where it belongs.))

So don’t be a Klingon when it comes to writing movies. Klingons make awful screenwriters. Well, not completely awful. I’m sure their plays are viscerally exciting, but every story would have the same kind of externally motivated Main Character. There would be no Casablanca, no Romeo and Juliet, no Unforgiven, and no Hamlet. A culture without these kinds of stories is just sad.

But don’t tell them that.